Patrick: Don’t mention it. Spongebob: Well, it looks like what everybody said about us is true, Patrick. Patrick: You mean that we’re attractive? Spongebob: No, that we’re just kids. A couple of kids in way over their heads. We were doomed from the start. I mean, look at us. We didn’t even come close to the crown. We let everybody down. We failed. Patrick: Shell City. Spongebob: Yeah, we never made it to Shell City. Patrick: Shell City. Spongebob: Exactly, buddy. Yeah, the place we never got to. Patrick: Shell City. Spongebob: Okay, now you’re starting to bum me out, Patrick. Patrick: No, look at the sign. [he points at a sign in the shop and reads it] “Shell City Marine Gifts & Sundries.” Spongebob: Shell City is a gift shop? But if this is Shell City, then where’s the…? [he and Pat look over and see a divine light hitting the crown. It’s lying on a cushion on the other side of the store, being sold for $7] Sponge & Pat: …crown. Spongebob: Neptune’s crown. This IS Shell City. Pat, we did make it. Patrick: Yeah, I guess we did. Spongebob: We did alright for a couple of goofballs. [the two start to tear up, and one tear rolls down both of them. Sponge decides to go out with one last hoorah] I’m a Goofy Goober, yeah! Sponge & Pat: You’re a Goofy Goober, yeah! We’re all Goofy Goobers, yeah! [the two tears roll down the desk and form the shape of a heart] Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah! [the two then dissolve into a sponge and starfish with dry clothing on them. Pan out to the movie theatre, where the pirates are all sobbing uncontrollably] Captain Bart: That’s the end of Spongebob. [he hugs the pirate next to him] Come here, you! [the captain’s parrot flies onto his shoulder and squawks] Parrot: Shut up and look at the screen. Captain Bart: Arr, the bird’s right! Look! It be the tear of the Goofy Goobers! [the tear starts to quiver and slides down the desk and down the cord of the lamp. It hits the electrical socket, causing it to short out and smoke to form. The smoke rises to the ceiling and hits the sprinkler system, setting them all off. As water hits the sponge and starfish, Sponge and Pat regenerate] Spongebob: Hey, we’re alive! [the pirates, and the rest of the audience cheer in joy. Sponge and Pat run to the edge of the desk] Let’s get that crown. Patrick: Right. [they jump down, and latch onto the crown] Spongebob: On three, Patrick. Ready? One, two, three. [the crown lifts up] Hey, it’s lighter than I thought. [the diver, in fact, has lifted up the crown. Sponge and Pat scream, but then they and the diver notice all of the sea creatures in the room wobbling around in reaction to the sprinklers] Patrick: What’s happening? Spongebob: I don’t know. Look! [he points the seahorses, who form into animated seahorses. The blowfish generates back to life, some starfish lying around regenerate, and the mariachi band fish come back to life and start playing. A crab taps the diver on the shoulder, holds up the glue and google eyes and sprays the diver with the glue. He falls over and all the sea creatures start violently attacking him. The mariachi band doesn’t know what to do about this, so they just keep playing. Sponge and Pat run out the door with the crown and onto the beach] Come on, Patrick! Let’s get this crown back to Bikini Bottom! [they reach the shore and stop] Do you still have that bag of winds? [Pat turns around, revealing a giant bulge in the back of his pants] Patrick: I sure do. [the two laugh, then Pat holds the bag in his hand] Here you go. [Sponge is confused, but decides not to think too hard about it] …what? Spongebob: Nothing, nothing. [he takes out the instructions from his pocket] Okay, let’s go over the instructions. Let’s see, it says here, “Step one: Point bag away from home.” [Pat does] Patrick: Okay. Spongebob: “Step two: Plant feet firmly on ground.” Patrick: Right. Spongebob: “Step three: Remove string from bag, releasing the winds.” Patrick: Check. [Pat removes the string, but the bag of winds shoots out behind him. He is startled, but Sponge is too busy rereading the instructions to notice] Spongebob: Alright, let’s do it for real. Patrick: Uh, Spongebob? [he points at the bag flying in the air. The two frantically chase it, but it flies out over the sea and down into the water] Spongebob: Oh, no. How will we ever get back to Bikini Bottom now? Hasselhoff: [off-screen] I can take you there. [David Hasselhoff runs down the beach in slow-motion, and stops in front of Sponge and Pat] Spongebob: Who are you? Hasselhoff: I’m David Hasselhoff. Sponge & Pat: Hooray! Spongebob: Uh, so, where’s your boat? Hasselhoff: Boat? [he lets out a hearty laugh. Next thing you know, Hasselhoff is swimming into the ocean with Sponge, Pat, and the crown on his back] Spongebob: Go, Hasselhoff! Patrick: Next stop, Bikini Bottom. [cut back to Bikini Bottom, er, Planktopolis, where Plankton enters the Krusty Krab 2, where Krabs is still frozen] Plankton: Well, Krabs, you know what today is? [he jumps up on Krabs’ claw to reach the wall calendar] Sorry about this, calendar. [he rips off “March 13” to reveal “March 14”] March 14. Wait, that’s not right. It should say “The day that Krabs fries.” [he laughs evilly, then sees Neptune and the squire arriving out front] Guess who’s here! [back on the surface, Hasselhoff is flying through the ocean like a motorboat. He passes a fisherman, who is so startled that he falls out of his boat] Spongebob: Hooray for Hasselhoff! Nothing can stop us now. [Pat spies something from behind] Patrick: Unidentified object off the hindquarters. [the giant boot is chasing after them] Spongebob: It looks like… bigger boot. But how? [the boot slips onto Hasselhoff’s foot, then lifts, and Dennis reforms, looking pretty beaten up. Sponge and Pat scream] Dennis!! Dennis: Did you miss me? [cut back to the Krusty Krab 2, where the squire starts a drumroll. Neptune approaches Krabs, still frozen, who is now on a crate in front of a target. Plankton isn’t missing a moment of this, sitting with bathing suit, binoculars, popcorn, a Neptune flag, and sitting in a lawn chair] Plankton: This is the best seat in the house. Alright, Neptune, let’s get it on! [he eats a handful of popcorn] Neptune: Eugene Krabs, your six-day reprieve is up, and it is time for you to die. [Krabs is rapidly sweating mounds of ice cubes] Krabs: [muffled] Please! I didn’t do it! Neptune: There is nothing else I can do. [Mindy appears from behind him] Mindy: You can give Spongebob and Patrick a little more time. Neptune: Except give Spongebob and Patrick a little more time- what? Mindy, will you butt out! I won’t have you stalling this execution. Mindy: Stalling? I’m not stalling anything. Neptune: Yes, you are. Mindy: No, I’m not. Neptune: Yes, you are. You’re doing it right now. Mindy: I’m stalling. Neptune: Yes. Mindy: Stalling? Neptune: Stalling! Mindy: Stalling. Neptune: Stalling!! Plankton: Oh, boy. [cut back to the Hasselhoff, where Dennis is approaching Sponge and Pat. Dennis takes off his busted shades] Dennis: Now, where were we? Spongebob: Patrick, run! Patrick: No. I’m tired of running. If we run now, we’ll never stop- [Dennis smacks Pat all the way back onto Hasselhoff’s foot] Run, Spongebob!! [Sponge screams and runs down onto Hasselhoff’s other leg. Dennis runs after him, taking a stab at him, but missing, jabbing Hasselhoff in the buttocks] Hasselhoff: Take it easy back there, fellas. [Sponge runs away from Dennis as long as he can before he runs out of leg to run on] Patrick: Spongebob, be careful! Dennis: Come on, kid, give it up. Dennis always gets his man. Spongebob: Never!! [he jumps from one leg to another, and in a series of dramatic shots from different angles, he makes it] Yeah, I made it! [he realizes that Dennis is right next to him again] Dennis: You got guts, kid. Too bad I gotta rip them out of yah. [Sponge takes out five pink dollars with peanuts on them] Spongebob: Uh, I don’t know what Plankton’s paying you, but if you let us go, I can make it worth your while. [Dennis grabs the slips] Dennis: It’s gonna take a lot more than five… what is this? Spongebob: That, sir, is five Goober dollars. Legal tender at any participating Goofy Goober- [Dennis grabs Sponge and glares at him menacingly. Sponge pulls out a jar of bubble soap] I got bubbles. Fun at parties. [his bubble wand blows bubbles directly into Dennis’ eyes, making them red and watery] Dennis: My eyes! [he screams, throwing Sponge away. Pat, still clinging to Hasselhoff’s foot, lets out his arm] Patrick: I got you, Spongebob! [he catches Sponge] Spongebob: Thanks, buddy. [Dennis appears, lifting his spiked boot over the two] Thanks a lot. Dennis: That’s it! I’m through messing around! See you later, fools! [the three hear a boat horn, and they find Hasselhoff is riding under a narrow clearance sail boat. Dennis screams and is hit by the boat. Sponge and Pat can only watch] Patrick: See yah. [cut back to the Krusty Krab 2] Mindy: So… you think… I’m… stalling. [Neptune has reached the breaking point and screams] Neptune: Where am I, in Crazytown?! I have had enough of this nonsense! [he slams his scepter down, causing lightning to flash] You are to wait in the carriage until the execution is done! [Mindy heads toward the door] Mindy: But, Daddy- Neptune: NOW!! [lightning flashes again. Mindy heads out the door, and Neptune uses his scepter to create a lock on the door. Mindy bangs on the door] Mindy: No, no, no! Oh, Spongebob, wherever you are, you better hurry! [Hasselhoff has just arrived near the signature island above the town] Hasselhoff: Okay, fellas, this is where you get off. Bikini Bottom’s directly below. Spongebob: But we’ll never be able to float down in time. Hasselhoff: Who said anything about floating? [he lifts himself out of the water] Announcer: Initiating launch sequence. Spongebob: What the…? [Hasselhoff’s biceps reshape to squares and separate with mechanical shifting sound effects] Did you see that? Patrick: The control. [Hasselhoff grabs Sponge, Pat, and the crown] Hasselhoff: All hands on deck. [he places them between his biceps, and strains them shut on them] Announcer: Ten seconds to liftoff. Nine, eight… [cut back to the Krusty Krab 2] Neptune: Eugene Krabs, the time has come… [his scepter ignites. Mindy watches from outside] Mindy: No! Plankton: Yes! [cut back to Hasselhoff, still straining] Announcer: …six, five… [cut back to the Krusty Krab 2, Neptune points his scepter toward Krabs] Neptune: …for you… Mindy: No! Plankton: Yes! [cut back to Hasselhoff, still straining] Announcer: …three, two… [cut back to the Krusty Krab 2] Neptune: …to fry. Mindy: No! Plankton: Yes!! [cut back to Hasselhoff] Announcer: …one. [Hasselhoff shoots Sponge, Pat, and the crown down into the water at breakneck speed] Krabs: [muffled] No! [Sponge and Pat break through the roof. Neptune shoots fire from his scepter, but it is deflected off the crown, and shoots up into the sky. Hasselhoff lies on his back on the water] Hasselhoff: Yah done good, Hasselhoff. Yah done- [the fire blast fires Hasselhoff, singeing him] …ow. [Krabs, who has closed his eyes, opens them. Neptune looks amazed at his crown on the floor, and Sponge and Pat jump up and down] Spongebob: Hooray! We made it! Patrick: We made it! [Krabs wobbles over and hops joyfully with them] Neptune: My crown! My beautiful crown! [he picks it up and kisses it. Mindy comes in the restaurant] Mindy: Spongebob? Patrick? [he hugs both of them] I knew you could do it! [Pat blushes and giggles stupidly. From the other side of the restaurant, Plankton slowly starts to clap] Plankton: Oh, yes. Well done, Spongeboob. [Sponge, Pat, and Mindy go over to Plankton, who is by Karen as well] Spongebob: Sorry to rain on your parade, Plankton. Plankton: Oh, don’t worry about me. My parade shall be quite dry under my umbrella! [he pulls a rope cord] Sponge, Pat & Mindy: Umbrella? [they look over and see a compartment in the ceiling labeled “King-Size” open, and a giant bucket helmet drops on King Neptune] Mindy: Daddy, no! Plankton: Daddy, yes! [he presses the red button on a remote and an antenna juts from the bucket, controlling Neptune] Neptune: All hail Plankton. [Sponge, Pat, and Mindy scream as Plankton’s slaves enter the restaurant, cornering the three. Neptune points his fired scepter at them] Patrick: Spongebob, what happened? Spongebob: Plankton cheated. Plankton: Cheated?! [to Neptune] Hold on there, baldy. [Neptune’s scepter is put out. Plankton walks over to Sponge] What, you think this is a game of kickball on the playground? You never had a chance to defeat me, fool. And you know why? Spongebob: Because you cheated? Plankton: No, not because I cheated. Because I’m an evil genius, and you’re just a kid! A stupid kid! [he laughs evilly, and his slaves all laugh too] Spongebob: I guess you’re right, Plankton. I am just a kid. Plankton: Of course I’m right. Okay, Neptune, time to kill. Spongebob: [unfazed] And you know, I’ve been through a lot in the past six days, five minutes, twenty-seven-and-a-half seconds. And if I’ve learned anything during that time, it’s that you are who you are. Plankton: That’s right. Okay, Neptune- Spongebob: And no amount of mermaid magic… [gestures to Mindy, who looks ashamed] …or managerial promotion… [gestures to Krabs, still frozen] …or some other third thing can make me anything more than what I really am inside: a kid. Plankton: That’s great, now get back against the wall. Spongebob: But that’s okay. Plankton: What? What’s going on? [Sponge has grabbed the microphone from the ordering boat] Spongebob: Because I did what everyone said a kid couldn’t do. I made it to Shell City, and I beat the Cyclops, and I rode the Hasselhoff, and I brought the crown back! [Plankton runs up to Sponge] Plankton: Alright, we get the point. [the room darkens and begins to fill with fog. A spotlight shines on Sponge and disco lights sparkle around the room] Spongebob: So, yeah, I’m a kid. And I’m also a goofball, and a wingnut, and a knucklehead McSpazatron! [Plankton coughs due to the fog] Plankton: What’s going on here? Spongebob: But most of all, I’m… Plankton: Okay, settle down. Take it easy. Spongebob: I’m… I’m… Plankton: What the scallop?! [Sponge bursts Plankton out of the way, now with a face visor on, and with a more rocking voice] Spongebob: [singing] I’m a Goofy Goober! Singers: Rock! [rock music plays and Plankton is slammed through the wall] Spongebob: You’re a Goofy Goober! Singers: Rock! [pan out of the water and for a view of a clay Earth, which Sponge jumps on top of] Spongebob: We’re all Goofy Goobers! Singers: Rock! [Sponge hops on a UFO with an alien and flies away, and the Earth turns revealing Sponge’s face on the other side] Spongebob: Goofy, goofy, goober, goober! Singers: Rock! [zoom into Sponge’s mouth, and now Sponge is tiptoeing by a jail and blowing up the wall, releasing giant toys] Spongebob: Put your toys away, well, all I gotta say, when you tell me not to play, I say no way! Singers: No way! Spongebob: No, no freaking way. [pan over to Sponge, donned in a cowboy hat, outside next to a sign reading “Goofy X-ing!” He’s standing in the background between two legs in boots and fishnets in the foreground] I’m a kid, you say, when you say I’m a kid, I say, “Say it again,” and then I say thanks! [pan out to reveal the legs belong to Pat, who then twirls around] Singers: Thanks! Spongebob: Thank you very much. [cut to Sponge doing the worm over some live-action ice cream sundaes] So if you’re thinking that you’d like to be like me, go ahead and try, the kid inside will set you free! [cut back to reality, where Sponge is under a spotlight singing still] I’m a Goofy Goober! [cut to an actual giant rock] Singers: Rock! [the song continues as Plankton gets up from behind the wall, dazed] Plankton: What’s happening? Huh? [he sees Sponge dancing] His dance moves are impressive, but I’m in control. [he puts on his headphones] Seize him! [the slaves begin to lurch toward Sponge. They surround him, but they are all thrown aside as Sponge harnesses his powers of rock and turns into some kind of rock wizard, donned in a hat and cape covered in peanuts, boots, and a guitar with “GG” on the end of it. He ascends into the air, sparkling. He furiously plays it, and the “GG” shines bright, and he shoots it at the bucket of a slave, breaking the bucket off. Sponge does this repeatedly until everyone is freed from captivity. He then blasts one at the antenna on the roof, which disables all the other helmets. Now the crowd of people are rocking out to the music] His chops are too righteous! The helmets can’t handle this level of rock ‘n’ roll! Karen, do something! [Karen is too busy crowd surfing to do Plankton’s bidding] Karen? Alright, that’s the last straw! Neptune, I command you to… [Sponge zaps the helmet off Neptune’s head and Mindy presents him with his crown] Mindy: Here you go, Daddy. Plankton: I better get out of here. [he runs to the doors, but is stopped by a crowd of people out front] Surfer: Look! It’s the wizard who saved us! Plankton: Out of my way, fools. [the crowd runs in, crushing him. Cut to later, when Plankton is stomped flat and covered in footprints] Come on, I was just kidding. [a police man lifts him with a shovel and throws him in a very tiny police car, labeled “Institution For The Criminally Tiny”] Come on, you guys knew that, didn’t you? With the helmets and the big monuments? Wasn’t that hilarious, everybody? [the truck drives off] I will destroy all of you!! Neptune: Well, Mindy, I have to admit, you were right. Your compassion for these sea creatures proved a most admirable trait. Without it, I would never again seen my beloved crown. [he ruffles Mindy’s hair] I think you’re going to make a fine ruler of the sea one day. Now let’s go home. Mindy: Daddy, haven’t you forgotten something? Neptune: What? Oh, yeah. Eugene Krabs, I forgot to unfreeze you. [he picks Krabs up and fires his scepter at him, turning him into a human] Whoops. I guess I had it set to “Real Boy” ending. [he turns the dial on his scepter to “Unfrozen” and fires at Krabs, restoring him to his normal self] Krabs: Yipee! Neptune: Oh, I’m sorry for falsely freezing you, Krabs. And, may I say, sir, you are a very lucky fellow to have in your employ [a picture of a goofy Sponge appears on screen] such a brave, faithful, and heroic young lad. Where is he, anyway? Spongebob: I’m up here. [he is dangling from the ceiling attached to ropes, still in his wizard garb. Pat, still with long fishnet legs, walks over to a pole, untying the ropes] Patrick: I’m on it. [he lowers Sponge to the ground] Neptune: Go to him now, Krabs. Embrace him. [he lets Krabs down] Krabs: Spongebob, me boy, I’m sorry I ever doubted ye. [he hugs Sponge] That’s a mistake I won’t make again. Spongebob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, you old soft-serve. Krabs: And now, Spongebob, I’m gonna do something that I should’ve done six days ago. Mr. Squidward, front and center, please. [Squid walks up to Krabs] I think we all know who rightfully deserves to wear that manager pin. [Squid takes the pin off his shirt] Squidward: I couldn’t agree more, sir. [a crowd gathers around them] Crowd Member: Hooray for Spongebob! [everyone cheers, and confetti falls from above] Spongebob: Wait a second, everybody. There’s something I need to say first. I just don’t know how to put it. Squidward: I think I know what it is. After going on your life-changing journey, you realize you don’t want what you thought you wanted. What you wanted was inside you all along. [Sponge swipes the pin from Squid] Spongebob: Are you crazy?! I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down! Manager?! This is the greatest day of my life!! [he jumps into the air, ending the movie] [after the credits roll, the curtains close. The theatre is empty, except for the front rows, where the pirates still sit and talk amongst themselves. An usher walks by, sweeping up the big mess the pirates had made] Usher: [to Captain Bart] Excuse me, sir. You folks have to leave. [the pirates react angrily] Captain Bart: What?! [he brandishes his sword toward her] Say that again, if you dare. Usher: You folks have to leave. Captain Bart: [sadly] …okay. [the pirates sheepishly all exit the theatre] END