The Spongebob Squarepants Movie :

[live-action: a pirate ship sails the sea. Squinty the pirate stands in the crow’s nest looking through a telescope. He spies Bonesy, another pirate, rowing toward the ship in a rowboat, accompanied by a treasure chest]
Bonesy: I got it! I got it! I got it!
Squinty: [to himself] Dinghy ahoy. [shouting down below] Dinghy off the port bow! Dinghy off the port bow!
Scruffy: Dinghy off the port bow! [below, Stitches knocks on the door of the Captain’s Quarters]
Stitches: Captain, dinghy off the- [he is hit in the face by the door as Captain Bart walks out]
Captain Bart: Dinghy… [cut back to Bonesy, laughing deliriously]
Bonesy: I got it! [the pirates on the ship pull Bonesy and the chest on board] I got it! [Captain Bart pushes his way past the others]
Captain Bart: Where is it?
Bonesy: It’s right here, captain. [he opens the chest and a divine gold light shines onto the captain]
Captain Bart: I never thought I’d see it with me own eye. [he reaches in and holds up some movie tickets triumphantly] Tickets to “The Spongebob Movie”! [all of the pirates cheer and begin to celebrate as they sail toward land, singing the Spongebob theme. They reach a dock in front of a movie theatre, barge their way inside, make a mess of the concession stand, and fill up the conveniently empty first two rows of the theatre, all of this while making as much noise and ruckus as possible. The curtains open, and the movie begins, right at sea level above Bikini Bottom, with the landmark little island]
Narrator: Ah, the sea. So mysterious, so beautiful, so… uh… wet. [we submerge underwater in front of the Krusty Krab] Our story begins in Bikini Bottom’s popular undersea eatery, the Krusty Krab restaurant, where… [the male cop comes into view]
Male Cop: Back up! Back up! [pan out to reveal a police squad blocking the front of the restaurant, with police vans, curious citizens, and police choppers scattered about]
Narrator: [confused] Hey, wait a minute! What is happening? [pan over to Mr. Krabs, who is being dogged by the paparazzi]
Krabs: Please, settle down. We’ve got a situation in there. I’d rather not discuss ‘till me manager gets here.
Crowd Member: Look, there he is! [a fancy car with flame decal pulls up. Spongebob gets out of it, wearing black cowboy boots with an orange snake shaped like an “S” on them. He walks past Krabs, and he follows]
Spongebob: [confident] Talk to me, Krabs.
Krabs: It started out as a simple order: a Krabby Patty with cheese. [Sponge and Krabs stop and Sponge blows a quick bubble] When the customer took a bite, no cheese!! [he begins to sob, then Sponge smacks him]
Spongebob: Get a hold of yourself, Eugene. I’m going in. [inside the restaurant, Phil is sitting at a table with his cheese-less Krabby Patty, extremely nervous. Sponge opens the doors] Take it easy, friend. I’m the manager of this establishment. [he walks over to Phil and puts down a briefcase] Everything’s gonna be just fine.
Phil: I’m really scared here, man. [Sponge opens the briefcase]
Spongebob: You got a name?
Phil: Phil. [Sponge puts on black gloves from his briefcase]
Spongebob: You got a family, Phil? [Phil attempts to speak, but is stifled by his own tears. Sponge snaps his fingers] Come on, Phil, stay with me, let’s hear about that family.
Phil: I got a wife, and two beautiful children. [Sponge puts on a headset, also from the briefcase]
Spongebob: That’s what it’s all about. I want you to do me a favor, Phil.
Phil: What? [Sponge has picked up a slice of cheese with some tweezers]
Spongebob: Say “cheese.” [in a series of dramatic shots, Sponge lifts the bun and goes to place the cheese on the burger. Sponge kicks the door open and the crowd gasps in unison. Sponge is carrying Phil in his arms, who is holding the now corrected burger] Order up. [the crowd cheers and runs toward Sponge, lifting him up]
Crowd: Three cheers for the manager! Hip! Hip! [foghorn sound] Hip! Hip! [foghorn sound] Hip! Hip! [foghorn sound. Dissolve to Sponge’s foghorn alarm clock, which was going off. Sponge awakens from his dream and turns off the clock]
Spongebob: Hooray! Gary, I had that dream again. [he runs over to the calendar on the wall] And it’s finally gonna come true today! Sorry about this, calendar. [he rips off “March 6” to reveal “March 7,” which has a picture of the Krusty Krab 2 with a rainbow and hearts around it] Because today is the grand-opening ceremony for the Krusty Krab 2, where Mr. Krabs will announce the new manager. [Gary meows] Who’s it gonna be, Gary! [chuckles to himself. Pan out to reveal the hundreds of employee-of-the-month photos on the wall] Well, let’s ask my wall of 374 consecutive employee-of-the-month awards. [all of the Sponge’s in the pictures proudly announce Sponge’s name] I’m ready! Promotion! [Sponge enters his bathroom wearing an inner tube and webbed feet. He gets up on a stool, grabs for a bar of soap, and eats it. He then takes a hose dangling from the ceiling, puts it into one of the porous holes on his head, and turns the water on. He inflates to engorged proportions, then spews out a roomful of soap foam. He opens up a “door” in the foam and walks out. He next walks to his closet, where he picks up from a pile of many an unfolded-together pair of square pants. He folds them into form and puts them on. He looks into a mirror, proudly. The back of the pants unfolds, revealing his buttocks. Sponge turns and blushes, and scuttles off. He next walks to the sink, picking up a toothbrush, but with two separate bristles. He picks up a tube of toothpaste, with two different tube openings, puts toothpaste on both sets of bristles simultaneously, then brushes his eyeballs with it, making them sparkling clean] Cleanliness is next to manager-liness. [he then runs outside, dancing around] I’m ready. Promotion. I’m ready. Promotion. [cut to Squidward’s house, where he is singing in the shower, scrubbing himself with a loofah. Sponge appears, wearing a similar shower cap, scrubbing Squid’s back and singing too. Squid finally notices Sponge behind him]
Squidward: Spongebob! What are you doing in here?!
Spongebob: I have to tell you something, Squidward.
Squidward: Whatever it is, can’t it wait until we get to work?
Spongebob: There’s no shower at work.
Squidward: What do you want?!
Spongebob: I just wanted to say I’ll be thanking you in my managerial acceptance speech today.
Squidward: GET OUT!! [he kicks Sponge out the window]
Spongebob: Okay, I’ll see you at the ceremony. [Pat’s rock opens, revealing Pat on its underside without his shorts on]
Patrick: That sounds like the manager of the new Krusty Krab 2. [Pat notices his nakedness] Oops. Hold on. [his rock closes, then reopens with Pat dressed] Congratulations, buddy.
Spongebob: Oh, thanks, Patrick. And tonight, after my big promotion, we’re gonna party ‘till we’re purple!
Patrick: I love being purple!!
Spongebob: We’re going to the place where all the action is.
Patrick: You don’t mean…?
Spongebob: Oh, I mean.
Sponge & Pat: Goofy Goober’s Ice Cream Party Boat!! [the rock closes, and then reopens with Sponge and Pat standing with little pink sailor hats on, with initials “GG” on them and peanuts protruding from the top. A record player plays the Goofy Goober Theme Song, as the record jacket next to it suggests, which Sponge and Pat sing and dance along to] Oh, I’m a Goofy Goober, yeah, you’re a Goofy Goober, yeah, we’re all Goofy Goobers, yeah, goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah! [Sponge checks his watch and gasps]
Spongebob: I’d better get going! [he runs down the street] I’m ready. Promotion. I’m ready. Promotion. [Pat calls out, still dancing]
Patrick: Good luck, Spongebob! Hey, look for me at the ceremony! I got a little surprise for you! [Pat bounces off, singing] I’m a Goofy Goober, yeah… [cut to reporter Perch Perkins in front of the Krusty Krab, with a Bikini Bottom News logo at the bottom of the screen, and beside it reading “GRAND OPENING.” A crowd has gathered nearby]
Perkins: Hello, Bikini Bottom! Perch Perkins here, coming to you live from in front of the Krusty Krab restaurant, for years the only place to get a delicious and mouthwatering Krabby Patty. [one appears on screen] Until today, that is. That’s right, folks. Longtime owner Mr. Krabs is opening a new restaurant called the Krusty Krab 2. [pan over to reveal the Krusty Krab 2 directly next to its predecessor. Krabs scuttles over to Perch, smiling at the camera. The crowd applauds] First of all, congratulations, Mr. Krabs.
Krabs: [into microphone] Hello. I like money.
Perkins: What inspired you to build a second Krusty Krab right next door to the original?
Krabs: [into microphone] Money. [the crowd and Perkins laugh. Pan out to a telescope view of the scene. The telescope is protruding from the Chum Bucket]
Plankton: Curses! It’s not fair! Krabs is being interviewed by Perch Perkins, and I’ve never even had one customer! [his rant echoes within the dusty barren lobby of the Chum Bucket. Plankton strains in anger. Karen, who is now mobile as a computer on a wheeled base, rolls over]
Karen: Don’t get worked up again, Plankton. I just mopped the floors.
Plankton: Oh, Karen, my computer wife, if only I could have managed to steal the secret to Krabs’ success, the formula for the Krabby Patty. [the formula in a bottle appears before him. He drools in awe as he attempts to swipe it, but it disappears] Then people would line up to eat at my restaurant. Lord knows I’ve tried. [he hops off his stepladder and storms into his lab. Karen follows] I’ve exhausted every evil plan in my filing cabinet… [he opens his “Evil Plans” drawer] …from A to Y.
Karen: A to Y?
Plankton: Yeah, A to Y. You know, the alphabet.
Karen: What about Z?
Plankton: [stunned] Z?
Karen: Z. The letter after Y. [Plankton jumps onto the drawer]
Plankton: W, X, Y… [he picks up a folder with a giant “Z” on it] Z! Plan Z! Here it is, just like you said! [a face appears on Karen’s screen, rolling its eyes]
Karen: Oh boy. [Plankton views the plan, in awe of its evilness. The plan unfolds like some kind of pin-up]
Plankton: It’s evil. It’s diabolical. [he smells it] It’s lemon-scented! This Plan Z can’t possibly fail! [he exits the Chum Bucket] So enjoy today, Mr. Krabs, because by tomorrow, I’ll have the formula. Then everyone will eat at the Chum Bucket, and I will rule the world!! All hail Plankton! All hail Plank- [he is stepped on by Sponge, who is still running to the ceremony]
Spongebob: I’m ready. Promotion. I’m ready. Promotion. [he finally stops and acknowledges Plankton’s screams of pain] Ew, I think I stepped in something. [he scrapes bits of Plankton off his shoe, as he screams in agony]
Plankton: Not in something; on someone, you twit! [Sponge looks under his shoe]
Spongebob: Oh. Sorry, Plankton. [he pulls Plankton off his shoe] Are you on your way to the grand-opening ceremony?
Plankton: [mocking Sponge] No, I am not on my way over to the grand-opening ceremony. I’m busy planning to rule the world! [laughs evilly]
Spongebob: Well, good luck with that. [he runs off, still chanting]
Plankton: Stupid kid. [walks off. Cut to the ceremony. In-between the two restaurants is a podium and stage where Krabs stands to announce to the large crowd that has come for the event]
Krabs: Welcome! Welcome, everyone, to the grand opening of the Krusty Krab 2! [the crowd applauds. Cut to Puff and Sandy in the audience]
Puff: We paid nine dollars for this?
Sandy: I paid ten!
Krabs: Now, before we begin the ribbon cutting, I’d like to announce the name of our new manager. [the crowd claps, Sponge cheers obnoxiously from the front row. Krabs clears his throat] Yes, well, anyway… The new manager is a loyal, hard-working employee. [Sponge sits anticipating]
Spongebob: [in his mind] Yes…
Krabs: The obvious choice for the job. [Sponge is even more eager]
Spongebob: [in his mind] He’s right.
Krabs: A name you all know, it starts with an “S”. [Sponge is about to explode with anticipation]
Spongebob: [in his mind] That’s me!
Krabs: Please welcome our new manager… Squidward Tentacles! [a banner with Squid’s face on it unfurls. But Sponge has become so sure of his win that he explodes with joy anyway]
Spongebob: YES! YEAH!! [he laughs and shakes Squid’s hand] Oh, better luck next time, buddy! [he continues whooping and hollering as he makes his way on stage and approaches the podium. The crowd is speechless] People of Bikini Bottom, as the manger of- [Krabs leans over to Sponge]
Krabs: Uh… Spongebob?
Spongebob: [to crowd] Hold the phone, folks, I’m getting an important news flash from Mr. Krabs. Go ahead, Mr. K. [Krabs whispers to Sponge] I’m making a complete what of myself? [Krabs continues whispering] THE most embarrassing thing you’ve ever seen? [Krabs continues whispering] And now it’s worse because I’m repeating everything you say into the microphone?
Krabs: Oh, for crying out loud, Spongebob, you didn’t get the job!
Spongebob: What?
Krabs: [slowly] You did not get the job.
Spongebob: But… but why?
Krabs: Spongebob, you’re a great fry cook, but I gave the job to Squidward because being manager is a big responsibility. Well, let’s face it, he’s more… mature than you.
Spongebob: I’m not… mature?
Krabs: Ah, lad, I mean this in the nicest of ways, but there’s a word for what you are and that word is… uh… now, let’s see…
Crowd Member: Dork?
Krabs: No, wait, that’s not right. Not a dork.
Pearl: [in crowd] A goofball?
Krabs: Closer, but no, no, no.
Crowd Member 2: A ding-a-ling?
Crowd Member 3: A wingnut?
Old Woman: A knucklehead McSpazatron?
Krabs: Okay, that’s enough. Look, what I’m trying to say is, you’re just a kid. And to be a manager, you have to be a man. Otherwise they’d call it “kid-ager.” You understand-ager? I mean… you understand?
Spongebob: …I guess so, Mr. Krabs. [Sponge walks away crestfallen into the sunset]
Krabs: Spongebob?
Spongebob: [weakly] I’m ready. Depression. I’m ready. Depression…
Krabs: Poor kid.
Patrick: Hooray for Spongebob! Hooray for Spongebob! [Pat comes flying in naked holding a parachute. Between his buttocks is a flag with “Spongebob” on it. He flies in laughing and hit the backboard of the stage, causing it to collapse and catch fire. The crowd and Krabs run off. Pat emerges from the wreckage] Let’s hear it for Spongebob! Hello? Where’d everybody go? [cut to outside Bikini Bottom limits, where we can see smoke billowing from the town] Did I miss something? Did you see my butt? [fade to night]
Narrator: Later that evening… [Plankton flies out of Bikini Bottom wearing a helmet with a propeller backpack, laughing evilly]
Plankton: Time to put Plan Z into effect. [he lands on a hill overlooking a glorious castle] Starting at the undersea castle of King Neptune. [he flies into one of the castle windows, unbeknownst to the guards. He overlooks as King Neptune and Mindy enter and sit in their respective thrones. The squire plays and stops. Neptune hits him on the head with his scepter]
Squire: Oh, right. [he clears his throat] The royal court is now in session. Bring the prisoner forward. [a small frail man in chains is brought in by two guards]
Neptune: So, you have confessed to the crime of touching the king’s crown.
Man: Yes, but- [Neptune advances toward him]
Neptune: [bellowing] But what?!
Man: But it’s my job, Your Highness. I’m the royal crown polisher.
Neptune: Well, then I guess I can’t execute you. Twenty years in the dungeon it is.
Mindy: Daddy! [she swims over to the accused] You’re free to go. [she uncuffs him]
Man: Bless you, Princess Mindy. [he runs off]
Neptune: Mindy, how dare you defy me!
Mindy: Why do you have to be so mean?
Neptune: I am the king! I must enforce the laws of the sea.
Mindy: Father, I wish you’d try a little love and compassion instead of these harsh punishments.
Squire: [to himself] That would be nice. [Neptune hits him with his scepter again]
Neptune: Squire, clear the room. I wish to speak with my daughter alone. [the room quickly clears. Neptune takes off his crown, revealing him to be completely bald underneath, and show it to Mindy] What is this, Mindy?
Mindy: Your crown?
Neptune: And what does this crown do?
Mindy: Covers your bald spot.
Neptune: It’s not bald! It’s thinning! [he swims over and puts the crown down on a cushion on a podium] This crown does much more than cover a slightly receding hairline. [he views his “thinning” hair in the mirror] No, this crown entitles the one who wears it to be in charge of the sea. [Plankton peeks out from behind the crowd] One day, you will wear this crown.
Mindy: I’m gonna be bald?!
Neptune: Thinning! Anyway, the point is, you won’t wear it until you learn how to rule with an iron fist. [he reaches over for his crown, but puts the cushion on his head instead] Like your father.
Mindy: Uh, Dad, your [air quotes] crown… [Neptune takes the cushion off his head]
Neptune: What the…? [he looks over to the podium which is empty]  My crown!! [he falls to the floor and screams. Cut to the castle in the distance, as Plankton flies away with the crown] Someone has stolen the royal crown!
Plankton: I got it! I got it! [he laughs evilly and flies past Goofy Goober’s. Inside, the restaurant is sort of like an undersea Chuck E. Cheese, filled with kids, all of them wearing the Goofy Goober hats, eating ice cream at tables before a stage. A bell rings and the crazy clock on the wall announces]
Clock: Hey, all you Goobers, it’s time to say howdy to your favorite undersea peanut, Goofy Goober! [the curtain opens revealing a giant peanut man, holding a vaudeville hat and oversized lollypop]
Kids: Howdy, Goofy Goober!
Goober: Hey, fellow Goofy Goobers. Time to sing! [he begins to sing the Goofy Goober theme, and the kids join in. Meanwhile, at the “Nut Bar,” Sponge sits at a stool sobbing]
Spongebob: Alright, get it together, old boy. I know. I’ll just stop thinking about it. [pause] Hey, you know, I actually feel a little better. I don’t even remember why I was sad. [Pat walks up to him]
Patrick: Hey, it’s the new Krusty Krab 2 manager! [Sponge starts crying again. Pat sits down] Wow, the pressure’s already setting in.
Spongebob: No, Pat, you don’t understand. I didn’t get the promotion.
Patrick: What? Why?
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs thinks I’m a kid. [Pat smacks his forehead]
Patrick: What?! That’s insane!
Spongebob: I know.
Patrick: Well, saying you’re a kid, it’s like saying I’M a kid! [the waiter, a very bitter man, walks over, putting down a tray with a burger and soda]
Waiter: Here’s your Goober Meal, sir. [he walks off]
Patrick: I’m supposed to get a toy with this. [a Goofy Goober cutout hits him in the face] Thanks. [Sponge sighs]
Spongebob: I’m gonna head home, Pat. The celebration’s off. [Pat is eating his burger]
Patrick: Are you sure?
Spongebob: Yeah. I’m not in a Goober mood. [he walks off]
Patrick: Okay. See yah. [the waiter brings over a giant ice cream sundae with a smiley face formed on it, and three bananas protruding from the sides and top]
Waiter: And here’s your Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, sir. [Sponge stops in his tracks and approaches back to Pat]
Spongebob: Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, huh? I guess I could use one of those. [he gets on the stool and Pat pats him on the back]
Patrick: Now you’re talking. Hey, waiter, we need another one over here! [the waiter brings one over to Sponge]
Waiter: There you go. [Sponge and Pat proceed to, very sloppily, devour their ice cream, getting bits of ice cream on the waiter. They belch]
Spongebob: Boy, Pat, that hit the spot. I’m feeling better already.
Patrick: Yeah. [Sponge pounds the table]
Spongebob: Waiter, let’s get another round over here. [the waiter brings two more over and Sponge and Pat devour it like the first one, covering the waiter in more ice cream. Sponge keeps calling for more and more and more and more, until the two are on a delusional high]
Waiter: Why do I always get the nuts? [now Sponge, Pat, and Goofy Goober are on stage. Sponge uses the lollypop as a microphone]
Spongebob: Alright, folks, this one goes out to my two bestest friends in the whole world: Patrick, and this big peanut guy. It’s a little ditty called…
Sponge & Pat: "Waiter!” [the three pass out. Cut to Sponge’s POV, as he slowly awakes to the sight of the waiter standing over him]
Waiter: Hey. Hey, get up. Hey, come on, buddy. I wanna go home. [cut to Sponge, who looks particularly drunk, with a paler complexion, hazed look, disorganized clothes and one shoe missing, and a five-o-clock shadow coming in. He staggers just to sit up]
Spongebob: Oh… my head…
Waiter: Listen to me. It’s eight in the morning. Go scrape up your friend and get going. [Sponge burps and looks over]
Spongebob: [slurred speech] My… friend? [he looks over to Pat, who is passed out under a table] Patrick. Hey, what’s up, buddy? [he falls over again] Wait… you said eight ‘o’ clock! [he stands up] I’m late for work. Mr. Krabs is gonna be… [he thinks and grimaces] Mr. Krabs… [cut to Krabs and Squid in the Krusty Krab 2 office. Krabs puts a manager pin on Squid’s shirt as he mans a periscope]
Krabs: Now, pay attention, Squidward. As new manager, you’ve gotta keep a sharp eye out for paying customers.
Squidward: Yawn. [Krabs spies Neptune, with a new paper bag crown, and Mindy riding down the road toward them]
Krabs: What’s this? King Neptune is riding toward the Krusty Krab at lunchtime! [his pupils turn into dollar signs] He’s got money! [Neptune parks outside the Krusty Krab 2 and gets out]
Neptune: Stay in the coach, daughter. This won’t take long.
Mindy: Daddy, please. I think you’re overreacting.
Neptune: Silence, Mindy. I know what I’m doing. [he turns and hits the Krusty Krab sign pole headfirst] Squire! [the squire runs up to Neptune]
Squire: Yes, Your Highness?
Neptune: Have this pole executed at once. [cut to Krabs painting a “10” in front of every price on the menu, thus making a Krabby Patty $101 instead of $1 and so forth]
Squidward: A hundred and one dollars for a Krabby Patty?
Krabs: With cheese, Mr. Squidward, with cheese. [Neptune enters and the squire trumpets. Everyone in the restaurant turns to see]
Neptune: Greetings, subjects. I seek the one known as Eugene Krabs. May he present himself to me at once.
Krabs: I’m Eugene Krabs, Your Highness. Would you like to order something? [lightning flashes]
Neptune: Nay! I’m on to you, Krabs! You have stolen the royal crown, you cannot deny. For, clever as you are, you left one damning piece of evidence at the scene of the crime. [he pulls out a piece of paper from his robe]
Krabs: [reading] “I stole your crown. Signed, Eugene Krabs.”?!
Neptune: Relinquish the royal crown to me at once! [he points his scepter towards Krabs]
Krabs: But, but this is crazy! I didn’t do it! [a phone on a barrel next to Krabs rings. The answer machine picks up]
Answering Machine: [Krabs’ voice] Ahoy, this is Eugene Krabs. Leave a message. [Clay’s voice] Hi, Mr. Krabs. This is Clay, the guy you sold Neptune’s crown to. Yeah, I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Neptune’s crown. [Neptune begins to grimace angrily. Krabs frantically attempts to stop the message] I sold it to a guy in Shell City, and I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Neptune’s crown. [Krabs pulls the machine off the hook] Which is now in Shell City. Goodbye. [Krabs laughs nervously]
Krabs: Don’t you just hate wrong numbers?
Neptune: My crown is in the forbidden Shell City?! [he screams loudly. Plankton, outside using the pay phone, hears it over the phone]
Plankton: Plan Z. I love Plan Z. [Neptune points his scepter at Krabs again]
Neptune: Prepare to burn, Krabs! [the scepter ignites into flame]
Krabs: Wait, Neptune! Please, I’m begging yah! I ain’t a crook! Ask anyone, they’ll vouch for me!
Neptune: Very well, then. [he lifts his scepter and the flame goes out. He addresses the customers] Before I turn this conniving crustacean into fish meal, who here has anything to say about Eugene Krabs? [a burp is heard and Sponge, still hung over, stumbles through the doors]
Spongebob: [slurred speech] I’ve got something to say about Mr. Krabs. [he stumbles over to Krabs]
Krabs: Spongebob, me boy, you’ve come just in time! [Sponge bumps into Neptune]
Spongebob: Pardon me, miss… [he makes his way to Krabs]
Krabs: Please, tell King Neptune all about me.
Spongebob: I have worked for Mr. Krabs for many years and always thought he was a great boss.
Krabs: You see? A great boss!
Spongebob: I now realize that he’s a great big jerk! I deserve that manager’s job! But you didn’t give it to me, because you say I’m a kid! Well, I am 100% MAN, and this MAN has got something to say to you! [he takes a deep breath and blows a long raspberry] There. I think I made my point.
Neptune: Anyone else? No? Well, then. [he points his scepter towards Krabs again, it re-ignites and shoots fire at Krabs. He bounces off the ceiling and runs wildly on the floor]
Krabs: Me pants are on fire! [he runs off screen and returns, still on fire, but only in his underwear] Me underwear’s on fire! [he runs off screen and returns, now entirely on fire, and naked] I’m on fire! [he dives into a bucket of water] Oh, yeah… [Neptune points his ignited scepter at Krabs again]
Neptune: And now, Eugene Krabs, you will- [Sponge latches onto Neptune’s nose]
Spongebob: Wait! [Neptune pulls him off and into his palm] I’m flattered that you would do this on my account, but being manager isn’t worth killing Mr. Krabs over.
Neptune: Quiet, fool! Mr. Krabs stole my crown, and now it’s in Shell City! That’s why he must die.
Spongebob: Doesn’t it seem a little harsh to kill someone over a crown?
Neptune: You don’t understand. That crown is a symbol of my king-like authority. And between you and me… my hair is thinning a bit.
Spongebob: Oh, Your Highness, I’m sure it’s not that notice- [Neptune removes his paper bag, revealing his blinding baldness. Sponge is overcome] …bald! Bald! Bald! Bald! [the crowd begins gawking and reacting in horror at Neptune’s bald head. Fred’s eyes have started to flame]
Fred: My eyes! [Neptune puts the paper bag back on]
Neptune: Alright, alright.
Spongebob: Uh, King Neptune, sir? Would you spare Mr. Krabs’ life if I went to get your crown back?
Neptune: You? Go to Shell City? [he laughs] No one who’s gone to Shell City has ever returned. What makes you think you could? You’re just a kid. [he throws Sponge to the floor]
Spongebob: But I’m not a kid. I can do it!
Neptune: Run along, I have a crab to cook. [he points his fired scepter at Krabs again. Sponge runs in front of Krabs]
Spongebob: No! I won’t let you!
Neptune: Very well, then. I’ll have to fry you both!! [Mindy comes up behind Neptune, putting out the scepter again]
Mindy: Daddy, stop it. Can’t you get through one day without executing someone?
Neptune: Mindy, I told you to stay in the carriage.
Mindy: Where’s your love and compassion? [she picks up Sponge, who has an adorable face on] Look at this little guy. He’s willing to risk his life to find your crown and save his boss.
Neptune: But, daughter, I-
Mindy: Please, Father? At least let him try. What have you got to lose? Might I remind you of your special problem? [he lifts the paper bag off of Neptune’s head, and the customers react in horror again, including Fred. Neptune puts the bag back on again]
Neptune: All right. Very well, Mindy. I’ll give him a chance. But when your little champion fails to return, I get to splatter this crab all over the walls. [he points accusingly at Sponge] And as for you, be back here with my crown in exactly ten days. [Pat pops up]
Patrick: He can do it in nine.
Neptune: Eight.
Patrick: Seven!
Neptune: Six!
Sponge & Krabs: Patrick! [the two tackle Pat to the ground]
Neptune: Six it is then! [Krabs has Pat in a chokehold]
Patrick: [weakly] …five…
Spongebob: Patrick, shush!
Neptune: Until then, the crab shall remain frozen where he now stands.
Krabs: No, wait! I’m begging yah! [Neptune freezes Krabs with his scepter. Squid, who has been reading a magazine at the counter, finally notices what’s going on]
Squidward: Who turned on the AC? …Mr. Krabs! [he runs over to Krabs and taps the ice around him] Oh no, this is terrible! Who’s gonna sign my paycheck?
Neptune: Come along, Mindy. [Neptune leaves. Mindy goes over to Sponge and Pat]
Mindy: Listen, you guys, the road to Shell City is really dangerous. There’s crooks, killers, and monsters everywhere. And what’s worse, there’s a giant Cyclops who guards the outskirts of the city and preys on innocent sea creatures. [Sponge is shaken, but Pat is distracted by Mindy] Don’t let him catch you, because if he does, he’ll take you back to his lair, and you’ll never be seen again.
Patrick: She’s purty, Spongebob. [Mindy presents Sponge with a bag]
Mindy: Here, take this.
Spongebob: What’s in here? [he peeks into the bag, and a powerful gut of wind is released. Mindy quickly clasps it shut]
Mindy: It’s a magical bag of winds. I stole them from my father. [she ties a rope around the bag]
Patrick: You’re hot.
Mindy: Once you find the crown, open the bag of winds and you’ll be blown back home.
Neptune: [from outside] Mindy!
Mindy: I’m coming! [she floats off] Good luck, Spongebob.
Spongebob: Wait, how did you know my name?
Mindy: Oh, I’m gonna be queen of the sea one day. I’ve learned the names of all the sea creatures.
Patrick: What’s my name?
Mindy: That’s easy. You’re Patrick Star. [Pat blushes and giggles stupidly]
Neptune: [from outside] Mindy!
Mindy: I gotta go. I believe in you guys. [she leaves. Sponge waves]
Spongebob: Thanks, Mindy. [he walks over to Krabs] Don’t worry, Mr. Krabs. Patrick, Squidward, and I- [cut to Squid walking out]
Squidward: Pass.
Spongebob: Er, uh… Patrick and I… [Pat walks over]
Patrick: Hi.
Spongebob: …are gonna get that crown back and save you from Neptune’s wrath. You’ve got nothing to worry about. Your life is in our hands. [Krabs’ pupils move over to see a very goofy looking Sponge and Pat. He silently whimpers] Patrick, let’s go get that crown. [they run off to the kitchen, where there are two fireman poles. They slide down to a room below, where they run into an elevator. The dramatic music stops and is replaced by elevator music as Sponge and Pat wait in the elevator. Once the elevator arrives, they run toward the camera and stop for an extreme close-up] Feast your eyes, Patrick.
Patrick: What is it? [lights shine upon what the two are looking at: a vehicle shaped like a giant Krabby Patty]
Spongebob: The Patty Wagon. Mr. Krabs uses it for promotional reasons. Let me show you some of its features. [gestures to the frame] Sesame-seed finish, [gestures to the tires, which are giant pickles] steel-belted pickles, [gestures to the seats, which are a burger patty hue with grill marks] grilled leather interior, [he lifts the hood, revealing a deep-fryer of some sort] and under the hood, a fuel-injected french-fryer with dual overhead grease traps.
Patrick: Wow.
Spongebob: Yeah. Wow. [Sponge and Pat hop in the car]
Patrick: Hey, I thought you didn’t have a driver’s license.
Spongebob: You don’t need a license to drive a sandwich. [he turns a spatula into the keyhole, starting the motor. The wagon smashes out of the side of the Krusty Krab 2, making a “KER-PATTY!” action sound on screen. The wagon hits the road one ingredient at a time, and the two are off]
Sponge & Pat: Shell City, here we come! [cut to the Krusty Krab 2, where Krabs is still frozen. Plankton walks in]
Plankton: Ding-a-ling! Hey there, old buddy. [he runs up to Krabs] Freeze! [laughs to himself, then jumps on Krabs’ frozen tongue] One secret formula to go, please. No, no, don’t trouble yourself. I’ll get it. [he runs off-screen and walks back out, bottled formula in hand] Well, I’d like to hang around, but I’ve got Krabby Patties to make over at the Chum Bucket. Plan Z, I love yah! [he walks back to his restaurant, kicking his heels. A tear is shed by Krabs, but it immediately freezes and falls to the ground. Cut back to Sponge and Pat, who are almost at the county line, where beyond that, the glistening sand is replaced by barren dirt land. They sing the Goofy Goober theme as they drive. They stop at a gas station right before the country line, manned by two hillbillies, one named Lloyd, the other’s unknown, who are asleep out front in chairs. Sponge, wearing goggles and an ascot, honks the horn, awakening the two attendants]
Spongebob: Fill ‘er up, please.
Hillbilly: What’ll it be, fellas? Mustard, or ketchup? [the two hillbillies smack their knees and laugh goofily, rocking back and forth in their chairs]
Patrick: Are they laughing at us?
Spongebob: No, Patrick, they’re laughing NEXT to us. [the two hillbillies, still laughing, approach the vehicle]
Hillbilly: Where you two dumb kids headed, anyway?
Patrick: [indignant] Kids?
Spongebob: Now, Patrick. For your information, we are not kids, we are men. And we’re off to get King Neptune’s crown in Shell City.
Hillbilly & Lloyd: Shell City?
Lloyd: Ain’t that the place that’s guarded by a killer Cyclops?
Spongebob: That’s right. [the one hillbilly takes off his hat]
Hillbilly: Lloyd, take off your hat in respect. [Lloyd does] Respect for the dead! [the two smack their knees and laugh idiotically again] You two dipsticks ain’t gonna last ten seconds over the county line.
Spongebob: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that? [he drives over the line, and within a few feet encounters a thug twice as large as their vehicle holding a crowbar]
Thug: Out of the car, fellas. [Sponge and Pat take their belongings and get out, and the thug takes the car and drives off. Sponge and Pat turn back to the hillbillies]
Spongebob: How many seconds was that? [Lloyd checks his watch]
Lloyd: Twelve.
Sponge & Pat: In your face! [the two smack their knees and laugh mockingly at the hillbillies, who in turn just stare blankly. Pat blows an aerosol can]
Patrick: Who’s the kid now?
Hillbilly: They’re dead. [Sponge and Pat, still laughing, start to walk down the road. Cut back to the Chum Bucket, now surrounded by dozens of arrow signs advertising the Krabby Patty. Perch Perkins reports]
Perkins: Perch Perkins here with an incredible news flash. Plankton is selling Krabby Patties at the Chum Bucket. How is this possible? Let’s find out. [inside, Plankton stands in the center of the lobby on his stepladder speaking into a megaphone]
Plankton: Step right up! Plenty for everybody! [Perkins appears next to Plankton]
Perkins: Excuse me, Plankton. Perch Perkins, Bikini Bottom News. Can I get a minute? [Plankton drops his megaphone]
Plankton: Anything for you, Perch.
Perkins: All of Bikini Bottom wants to know, how did you get the Krabby Patty?
Plankton: Well, Perch, before my dear friend Eugene Krabs was frozen by King Neptune… [he stifles a cry] I’m sorry. He confided in me a secret wish. “Sell the Krabby Patty in my absence at the Chum Bucket,” he said. “Don’t let the flame die out.” [he begins to cry, then immediately stops to display a bucket with the initials “CB” on it] By the way, act now and you get a free Chum Bucket bucket helmet with every purchase. Here you go, Perch. [he puts one on Perkins’ head]
Perkins: Thanks.
Plankton: Bucket helmets for everyone! [he pulls a cord and a giant compartment in the ceiling labeled “Free Buckets” opens, and hundreds of buckets fall out. The customers react in joy and all put one on. Plankton enters his back lab, pleased with his scheme] Karen, baby, I haven’t felt this giddy since the day you agreed to be my wife.
Karen: I never agreed.
Plankton: Evil Plan Z is working perfectly. Nothing can stop me now.
Karen: Nothing except Spongebob and his pink friend. [video footage of Sponge and Pat walking down the road appears on Karen’s screen] My censors indicate that they’re going after the crown. If they make it back, Neptune might discover some fingerprints. Tiny fingerprints. [Plankton looks at his hands] Stubby, tiny fingerprints.
Plankton: Evil Plan Z is way ahead of you, baby. I’ve already hired someone to take care of those two. He’s a vicious, cold-blooded predator! [enter Dennis. From the looks of it, he appears to be not the nicest of people, from his “I-KILL-U” license plate on his motorcycle to his “Your Head Here” monogrammed on his boots, with an arrow pointing to the bottom of them. He pulls up to the gas station, where the hillbillies have fallen asleep again. He notices a sesame seed on the ground, and he takes off his shades to examine it, only to reveal another pair of shades behind it]
Dennis: Sesame seed.
Hillbilly: Hey, mister! Does that hat take ten gallons? [the two hillbillies smack their knees and laugh once again. Dennis is in no laughing mood and rips their lips off and drives away. Meanwhile, it’s getting late and Sponge and Pat are still walking down the road, weary and exhausted. They wearily cheer while Pat blows his horn, but it’s out of aerosol]
Patrick: Are we there yet?
Spongebob: We must be close now. Patrick, look! [he points to a sign] Shell City’s only five days away! [two seashells blow out of the way, revealing another part of the sign]
Patrick: …by car. [Sponge groans]
Spongebob: I wish we still had our car.
Patrick: Spongebob, look! Our car! [he points at the Patty Wagon, which is parked in front of a decrepit old boat, which has been turned into a saloon of sorts called “The Thug Tug.” The two run to the car, and Sponge gasps when he notices something missing]
Spongebob: The key!
Patrick: Where do you think it is? [a man is thrown out through one of the windows of the Thug Tug screaming and lands next to Sponge and Pat. The two look through the broken window inside, and find that it is indeed a place for the roughest toughest fish in the sea, and also they spy the thug that took their car playing pool, and the spatula key on his belt]
Spongebob: There it is, Pat. The key! Now how are we gonna get it?
Patrick: I know. Walk in and ask him for it. [a loud fight is heard from inside]
Spongebob: Patrick, that’s a terrible idea.
Patrick: Sorry.
Spongebob: I know. I’ll go in and create a distraction, and you get the key.
Patrick: Oooh! Oooh! Wait, I wanna do the distraction!
Spongebob: Uh, okay, I guess it really doesn’t matter who does the distraction. [Pat confidently walks in, while Sponge crawls toward the thug. Pat clears his throat]
Patrick: [aloud] Can I have everybody’s attention? [all activity stops and everyone in the pub crowds around Pat] I have to use the bathroom.
Thug: It’s right over there. [points. He then notices Sponge below him grabbing for the key. To cover up, Sponge squints and scuffs around the ground]
Spongebob: Stupid contacts. [he makes like he’s found it] Oh, there it is. I better go wash it off. [cut to the bathroom, where Pat washes his hands. Sponge walks in] Patrick! You call that a distraction?
Patrick: Well, I had to go to the bathroom.
Spongebob: Well, I got my hands dirty for nothing. [he pumps the soap dispenser, which blows bubbles into the air] Patrick, check it out! [he continues pumping]
Patrick: Wow.
Sponge & Pat: Hooray! Bubble party! [bubbles fill the room and jubilant music plays as Sponge and Pat prance around and play with the bubbles. One of the bubbles escapes into the pub]
Top Thug: [from outside] Hey! Who blew this bubble? [Sponge and Pat stop. The top thug pops it with his fist] You all know the rules!
Thugs: [in unison] All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able-bodied patron in the bar.
Top Thug: That’s right! So who blew it? [Sponge and Pat frantically pop all of the remaining bubbles] So nobody knows.
Patron: Maybe it was-
Top Thug: Shut up! [he throws a chair at him, which breaks on impact] Somebody in here ain’t a real man. [Sponge and Pat attempt to sneak out, but the top thug addresses them] You! We’re on a baby hunt, and don’t think we don’t know how to weed them out. Now everybody line up! [all the thugs, and Sponge and Pat, form a line] DJ! Time for the test. [the DJ gives the thumbs-up and puts on a record: the Goofy Goober theme song] No baby can resist singing along to this. [Pat and Sponge get nervous]
Patrick: Spongebob, it’s the Goofy Goober theme song!
Spongebob: I know! [as the song plays, the top thug goes down the line to see which patron displays any kind of enjoyment. One of the patrons simply coughs and is accused]
Top Thug: It was you! You’re the baby!
Patron 2: No, no! I only coughed, I swear! [the top thug gives him the “I’ll be watching you” hand gesture] DJ! Turn it up louder! [Sponge and Pat strain to contain themselves]
Spongebob: Don’t sing along, Patrick!
Patrick: I’m trying! Trying so hard! [the top thug notices their strain and begins singing along to provoke them. They take a deep breath, about to give in, but someone snaps before them: a pair of connected Siamese twins. The top thug laughs]
Top Thug: Well, well, well. [he walks over to the twins] Which one of you babies was it? [the two twins point at each other]
Siamese Twins: [simultaneously] It was him! …uh, he did it! I’ve never even eaten at goofy, goofy, goobers, goobers, yeah! [the two cover each others’ mouths]
Top Thug: Well, looks like we got ourselves a double baby. [the thugs surround the twins and beat them down. Sponge and Pat crawl out of the pub]
Spongebob: Man, that was a close call.
Patrick: Guess what I got! [he pulls the spatula out from behind his back]
Spongebob: The key! [he shushes himself, and the two drive away. Cut to the next morning in Bikini Bottom. Squid opens his window]
Squidward: Too bad Spongebob’s not here to enjoy Spongebob not being here. He laughs to himself as he emerges from the side of his house riding a recumbent bicycle. He rides down the road and passes a man wearing a bucket helmet]
Man: Morning.
Squidward: Some people have no taste in headgear. [he stops at an intersection, and look over at a couple and their baby in a stroller, and another woman playing with the baby, all four wearing bucket helmets] Huh? Babies too? [Squid rides up to Evelyn, also wearing a bucket helmet, in her car at a stop sign] Uh, excuse me, miss, but where is everybody getting that horrid headgear? [Evelyn looks left and right, not knowing where the voice came from]
Evelyn: Who said that?
Squidward: Down here.
Evelyn: Oh. Well, I got it at the Chum Bucket. Plankton’s giving them away free with every Krabby Patty.
Squidward: Chum Bucket? Free? Krabby Patty? Plankton? Giving? With? [cut to the Chum Bucket, still bustling with customers. Squid barges in and confronts Plankton, who is standing on his stepladder] So, you’re selling Krabby Patties, eh, Plankton?
Plankton: That’s right, Squidward. [he jumps off the ladder and takes out a bucket] And there’s a free bucket helmet with every purchase. Care for one?
Squidward: No. You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you can’t fool me. I listen to public radio.
Plankton: And what’s that supposed to mean?
Squidward: It means you set up Mr. Krabs. You stole the crown so Neptune would freeze him and you could finally get your stubby little paws on the Krabby Patty formula. [Plankton looks at his hands again] It was you all along. But you made one fatal mistake. You messed with MY paycheck! And I’m gonna report you to the highest authority in the land, King Neptune.
Plankton: We’ll see about that, Inspector Looselips. [he presses a button on Karen’s base]
Karen: Now activating helmet brain-control devices.
Squidward: Huh? [an radio tower emerges from the Chum Bucket and sends out signal waves throughout the town. A small antenna unfurls from the top of the bucket helmets, which are being worn by essentially every citizen in the town, and the bucket shoots down over the person’s head. All of the customers stand up in unison]
Customers: All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton.
Squidward: What’s going on here? [Plankton puts on a headset and transmits his messages to his new slaves]
Plankton: Seize him, slaves! [the slaves start to move toward Squid, who screams]
Squidward: I’ve gotta get out of here! [he runs to the door, but even more slaves walk in through the door. Squid is trapped in a corner. Plankton laughs evilly]
Plankton: Who can stop me now? [pan out of the Chum Bucket, revealing slaves coming toward the restaurant from long and wide] WHO?! [cut to Sponge and Pat, driving down the road laughing]
Spongebob: Aw, gee, come on, Pat, one more time.
Patrick: Okay. [he stands out and puffs out his chest, imitating the top thug] We’re on a baby hunt, and don’t think we don’t know how to weed them out! [the two continue laughing. They drive down a portion of road that’s covered with skulls and bones]
Spongebob: “Weed them out.” [the two continue laughing, not noticing the now piles of skulls and bones they’re passing]
Patrick: What a jerk. [they continue laughing, but the wagon jerks up and down, as they are now driving on a giant and long pile of skulls and bones. The two still don’t notice]
Spongebob: Woah, the road’s getting kinda bumpy here. [the pile ends and the wagon goes back on road]
Patrick: You know, Spongebob, there’s a lesson to be learned from all this.
Spongebob: What’s that, Patrick?
Patrick: A bubble-blowing double baby doesn’t belong out here in man’s country.
Spongebob: Yeah. …wait, we blew that bubble. Doesn’t that make us a bubble-blowing double baby? [they ponder for a second, then Pat points]
Patrick: Hey, look, free ice cream! [he refers to a sign that points toward a small ice cream stand, still amidst hundreds of skulls and bones, manned by an old lady]
Spongebob: Oh, boy! [he jumps out and runs to the stand through the bones. Pat sits in the wagon, and looks over at one of the skulls]
Patrick: How you doing? [something finally dawns on him] Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Spongebob!! [Sponge, who is at the stand, turns]
Spongebob: Yeah?
Patrick: Make mine a chocolate!
Spongebob: Got yah covered. [to old lady] Two, please.
Old Lady: Certainly. [she presents him with a two scoop sundae] You kids enjoy.
Spongebob: Actually, we’re men, lady, but thanks. [he grabs the sundae, but it’s extremely sticky and attached to the lady’s hand] Okay, Patrick, let’s… [he attempts to let go, but can’t] You can let go now. I said, let go, please. What is this? [the ground begins to rumble, and the four walls of the stand collapse] What kind of old lady are you? [the lady’s glasses and hair fall off] Eww… [teeth emerge from the ground, as well as an eye that stares at Sponge. He screams. It turns out the old lady was just the disguised tongue of a giant red creature who emerges from the sand. Pat watches all this from the rearview mirror. Sponge bites off the “old lady”’s hand and is freed. He bounces off one of the creature’s teeth, Pat backs up the wagon and catches Sponge in it]
Patrick: Did you get the ice cream? [the creature roars]
Spongebob: Step on it, Patrick! [Pat floors it and the creature gives chase to the wagon down the road, Sponge and Pat screaming all the way. Cut to the Thug Tug, where Dennis drives up. He scoops up some soap from a footprint in the sand, tugs down his bandana and blows a bubble through his palm. Images of Sponge and Pat giggling appear in it. The top thug and the other thugs appear behind him]
Top Thug: Hey! You may not know it, cowboy, but we got a rule around here about blowing bubbles. [he snaps his fingers and the thugs repeat the rule]
Top Thug & Thugs: All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by- [Dennis punches the top thug and he goes flying into the Thug Tug, which sinks down into the ground. The other thugs slowly and nervously watch, still reciting the rule. Dennis drives off. Cut back to Sponge and Pat, who are still being chased by the creature. The “old lady” presents the ice cream to Sponge and Pat]
Old Lady: Come on, kiddies, have some ice cream. [Sponge and Pat scream] I’ll let you pet Mr. Whiskers. [a vein-covered cat emerges from the creature’s mouth and meows. Sponge and Pat scream again]
Spongebob: Jump for it, Patrick! [Sponge and Pat bail from the vehicle, and the creature eats it. Unfortunately, he has jumped over a cliff and hangs in midair, but before he can attempt to get back to the ledge, a large black snake-like creature eats him and swims back to the bottom of the cliff. Sponge and Pat sit at the edge of the cliff mouth agape. They stand up] Well, we lost our car again.
Patrick: Never mind the car, where’s the road? [wide show of the empty misty crevice before them. Pat’s “road” echoes into the abyss, but it turns out that he’s just repeating it over and over] …sorry.
Spongebob: There’s the road! [he points to the road on the other side] On the other side of this… deep… dark… dangerous…
Patrick: Hazardous.
Spongebob: …hazardous…
Patrick: Monster-infested.
Spongebob: …yeah, monster-infested… [he swallows] …trench.
Patrick: Hey, Spongebob, look. Here’s the way down. [he discovers a rickety stair case, which doesn’t seem too safe] Well, we’re not gonna get the crown standing here. On to Shell City. [he steps on the first stair, which makes a growling noise. Pat recoils, then steps on it again, and it makes the same growling noise. Pat catches on and repeatedly steps on and off the stair, controlling the growling. He laughs] Hey, look, it’s making noise. Spongebob? [he notices Sponge walking back and runs up to him] Hey, where’re you going?
Spongebob: I’m going home, Patrick.
Patrick: But what about Mr. Krabs?
Spongebob: What about us? We’ll never survive in that trench! You said it yourself, this is man’s country. And let’s face it, Pat. We’re just… kids.
Patrick: We’re not kids.
Spongebob: Open your eyes, Patrick! We blow bubbles, we eat ice cream, we worship a dancing peanut, for corn’s sake! We don’t belong out here!
Patrick: We do not worship him. [Sponge pulls down Pat’s shorts, revealing Goofy Goober underwear]
Spongebob: Patrick, you’ve been wearing the same Goofy Goober Peanut Party underpants for three years straight! What do you call that?
Patrick: Worship? [he starts to tear up] You’re right, Spongebob. We are kids. [he runs down the road, crying, his shorts still down to his ankles, and falls over. Sponge walks up to him]
Spongebob: Pull your pants up, Patrick. We’re going home.
Mindy: But you can’t go home. [she has driven her father’s carriage up in front of Sponge and Pat]
Spongebob: Mindy!
Patrick: Mindy? [he struggles to put his shorts back on]
Spongebob: How much did you hear?
Mindy: I heard enough.
Patrick: Did you see my underwear?
Mindy: No, Patrick.
Patrick: Did you want to?
Mindy: Look, guys, you may be kids, but you’re the only ones left who can get that crown.
Spongebob: What do you mean, the only ones left?
Mindy: Things have gotten a lot worse since you left Bikini Bottom. [she pulls out a giant clam, which when opened reveals a screen] Or should I say Planktopolis. [the screen shows Bikini Bottom as it is now, a series of newly constructed, or under construction, monuments hailing the greatness that is Plankton. The slaves work hard to construct them. Plankton wields a whip]
Plankton: No resting! This monument celebrating my glory isn’t gonna build itself! Move faster!
Spongebob: Oh my gosh! Patrick, look! Plankton’s turned everyone we know into slaves! Squidward… [Squid, his nose jutting through the bucket helmet, fans Plankton, who is sitting on a throne] Sandy… [Sandy is running on an exercise wheel, which is hauling rocks down a conveyer belt] Mrs. Puff… [Puff is busting rocks with a pickaxe] Even Gary. [Gary, with two mini-buckets over his eyes, hauls a humongous stone slate]
Gary: Meow. Plankton.
Spongebob: Can’t your father do something? [cut to Neptune, who is staring at his bald spot. His squire shows him a can of “Hair-In-A-Can”]
Mindy: My father’s too distracted by his bald spot to do anything.
Neptune: Squire, will you hurry? [he turns his head and the squire accidentally sprays it in his eyes, forming two tufts of hair over his eyes. Neptune screams in pain, and Mindy closes the shell]
Mindy: So you see, you can’t quit. The fate of Bikini Bottom rests in your hands.
Spongebob: But… but we’re just-
Mindy: Hey. It doesn’t matter if you’re kids. And what’s so wrong with being a kid, anyway? Kids rule! You don’t need to be a man to do this. You just gotta believe in yourself! You just gotta believe! [she spins triumphantly into the air]
Spongebob: [quietly] I believe.
Mindy: That’s the spirit.
Spongebob: I believe that everybody I know is a goner! [he and Pat start crying]
Mindy: Come on, guys. [Sponge and Pat run around crying] Guys. [Sponge and Pat continue crying] Guys? [Sponge and Pat shoot tears into each other’s mouths] Ew! [a title card appears on screen reading…]
Narrator: Meanwhile. [cut to Dennis, who crashes through a giant pile of bones. One of the skulls falls into his palm and he crushes it with his fist. He laughs as he drives off, and some of the bones fall on the road to form a skull and crossbones. Meanwhile, Sponge and Pat are still hysterical, rocking back and forth sucking their thumbs]
Mindy: Guys? Oh, boy. Hmm… Think, Mindy, think. [she forms an idea] Yup, I guess you’re right. [Sponge and Pat stop] A couple of kids could never survive this journey. [Sponge and Pat continue rocking] That’s why I guess I’ll just have to turn you into men. [Sponge and Pat stop and run up to Mindy]
Spongebob: You can do that? How?
Mindy: With my mermaid magic. [the two seahorses hauling the carriage scoff to each other. “Mermaid magic?” one of them asks, according to the subtitle. Mindy rushes to them and shushes them]
Spongebob: Did you hear that, Patrick? She’ll use her mermaid magic to turn us into men!
Sponge & Pat: Hooray! [the two join hands and hop up and down] We’re gonna be men! We’re gonna be men! We’re gonna be men! [Mindy claps her hands]
Mindy: Good. Now, let’s get started. Close your eyes. [Sponge and Pat do]
Spongebob: Are we men yet?
Mindy: Not yet. Uh, spin around three times. [Sponge and Pat very daintily spin]
Spongebob: I think it’s working. [Mindy swims over to the side of the road and rips off some seaweed from a rock]
Mindy: Good, now, keep your eyes shut. With my mermaid magic, and my one tailfin, [she places the seaweed on Sponge and Pat’s faces] I command the two of you to turn into men! Open your eyes. [the two do]
Spongebob: Huh. I don’t feel any- [he notices Pat’s “moustache”] Oh, my gosh, Patrick, you have a moustache!!
Patrick: So do you!! [Sponge and Pat are in awe at their new moustaches and rub their own, and each other’s]
Mindy: So now that you’re men, can you make it to Shell City? [Sponge and Pat are too busy rubbing their moustaches] Guys? [Sponge and Pat stop] I said, now that you’re men, can you make it to Shell City?
Sponge & Pat: Heck yeah!
Mindy: Are men afraid of anything?
Sponge & Pat: Heck no!
Mindy: And why?
Sponge & Pat: Because we’re invincible! [the two run down the road and over the cliff] Woo!! [Mindy calls down to them]
Mindy: I never said that! [while plummeting, Sponge and Pat do some triumphant poses and cheers, but then realize what they’ve done]
Spongebob: Uh… Patrick?
Patrick: Yeah, buddy?
Spongebob: Why did we jump over the edge instead of taking the stairs?
Patrick: Bec- [he thinks, then also realizes. The two look down at the ground and scream, grabbing each other. They get snagged on a vine from the wall, which gently lowers them to the ground. Sponge stops screaming when he realizes he’s fine, but Pat continues]
Spongebob: Patrick!
Patrick: Huh? Are we dead?
Spongebob: No! Far from it, my friend. We’re safe and sound at the bottom of this trench. [pan across the trench, which is smoggy and infested with horrible creatures]
Patrick: The moustaches worked!
Spongebob: Do you know what that means? We are invincible! [Sponge and Pat walk triumphantly down the road, passing and unintentionally overcoming hideous obstacles, whilst breaking out into song]
Sponge & Pat: [singing] Now that we’re men, we can do anything, now that we’re men, we are invincible, now that we’re men, we’ll go to Shell City, get the crown, save the town and Mr. Krabs. Now that we’re men…
Spongebob: [singing] We have facial hair.
Sponge & Pat: [singing] Now that we’re men… [a creature swipes Pat’s shorts, revealing normal underwear beneath them]
Patrick: [singing] I changed my underwear…
Sponge & Pat: [singing] Now that we’re men… [the two appear in 20’s clothes appearing to box each other on a grainy old film table] …we’ve got a manly flair, we’ve got the stuff, we’re tough enough to save the day. We never had a chance when we were kids, no, no, no! But take a look at what the mermaid did, ha, ha, ha! [the two are lifted up in the palm of a giant monster, but the two begin to do a slap-off, where they slap different parts of their body rhythmically. Their show draws a crowd, and when they’re done, the monsters cheer, and follow the two down the road]
Monsters: [singing] Now that they’re men, we can’t bother them, now that they’re men, they have become our friends, now that they’re men, they’ll be a happy end, they’ll pass the test and finish the quest for the crown. They’ll pass the test, [they appear slapping] and finish the quest, [they appear slapping] They’ll pass the test and finish the quest for the crown. [Sponge and Pat have arrived at the other end of the cliff, where a sign signals that they are almost to Shell City. The monster cheer]
Spongebob: “Shell City, Dead Ahead”! We did it, Pat! We made it past everything! Even the hideous, disgusting monsters! [the monsters stop and dejectedly go back into the trench. Sponge calls back to them] Uh, not you guys! You guys are awesome! [Sponge and Pat walk down the road again] Well, Patrick, we should be there in one more verse.
Sponge & Pat: [begin singing] Now that we’re-
Dennis: Finally. [Sponge and Pat stop, as Dennis is right in front of them] I got you right where I want you.
Spongebob: Uh, can I help you with something, sir?
Dennis: Name’s Dennis. I’ve been hired to exterminate you.
Spongebob: You’re gonna exterminate us? [he and Pat look over at each other and laugh. Sponge tweaks his moustache] Listen, junior, you’ve caught me and my friend here in a good mood today, so I’m gonna let you off with a warning. Step aside, and you won’t have to feel the awesome wrath of our moustaches.
Dennis: You mean these? [he rips the moustaches off Sponge and Pat. The two are crestfallen] I thought you still had a piece of salad stuck to your lip from lunchtime. [Sponge and Pat gasp as he throws them to the ground]
Spongebob: They were fake?
Dennis: Of course they were fake! This is what a real moustache looks like! [he lowers the bandana over his mouth, strains, and a massive tuft of hair appears over his lip]
Patrick: [to Sponge] Is he a mermaid?
Dennis: Alright, enough gab. [he approaches the two]
Spongebob: What-what are you gonna do to us?
Dennis: Plankton was very specific.
Spongebob: Plankton?
Dennis: For some reason, he wanted me to step on you.
Patrick: Step on us?
Dennis: Yeah! That way you’ll never find out that he stole the crown! [Sponge and Pat glance at each other] Uh, perhaps I’ve said too much. [spikes jut out from Dennis’ boots, causing Sponge and Pat to quake. Dennis lifts his boot directly over the two]
Patrick: That’s a big boot!
Dennis: Don’t worry. This will only hurt a lot! [he laughs] I love this job! [he continues laughing, until he is crushed by a giant live-action boot. Pat goes to run away]
Patrick: Bigger boot!
Spongebob: Wait, Pat. This bigger boot saved our lives!
Patrick: Yay! [he and Sponge wave]
Sponge & Pat: Thank you, stranger! [pan up to reveal the boot belongs to a man in divers gear]
Spongebob: Uh, stranger? [the man looks down at Sponge and Pat, revealing his diver’s helmet, with a glowing green glass window] It’s the Cyclops!! [he and Pat run away screaming, and the diver pursues them. He eventually catches the two and walks off with them. Cut to later, where Sponge and Pat sleep on the ground on pebbles. They awaken]
Patrick: Are we dead?
Spongebob: I don’t think so. [he picks up some pebbles] Artificially colored rocks? [Pat eats one, and Sponge walks] I don’t know where we are. [he hits the edge of the bowl] What is this? [Pat taps the glass]
Patrick: It’s some kind of wall of psychic energy.
Spongebob: No, Pat, it’s a giant glass bowl. [pan out to reveal the two are in a fish bowl in some kind of live-action trinket shop] Hey, there’s some fish folk! [he refers to the sea creatures who are decorations and trinkets. Sponge and Pat call to them for help, until they realize what they truly are] Wait a second. [he views a fish mounted on the wall, a blowfish hanging from the ceiling, and three fish dressed as a mariachi band on a base] Those fish are dead. [he and Pat hold each other in fear, as the diver approaches from behind them. They turn and scream and run around the bowl, bouncing off each other and the edges. The diver laughs evilly and walks off] What’s he gonna do with us? [the diver puts a tackle box on the table and opens it] Oh, no, he’s going for his evil instruments of torture. [he takes out two of them] Glue? Google eyes? [the diver, humming to himself, puts a clam on a tree trunk base, and glues two google eyes on it] He’s making a humorous diorama of… [he turns the base around, revealing the clam with a top hat on and a phone next to it, with a name placard] …Alexander Clam Bell! Patrick, he’s killing sea animals and making them into smelly knickknacks! And I think we’re next. [Pat is already being picked up by the diver]
Patrick: You think so?
Spongebob: Patrick! [now he is picked up] No!! [the two scream as the diver walks over to a desk shined upon by a lamp, and places them under the light, causing them to sizzle a bit] The heat is so intense from this lamp that I can’t move.
Patrick: Tell me about it. [the diver laughs evilly, then takes a book and takes a break in the bathroom. Sponge and Pat are starting to shrivel up, and their voices turn raspy]
Spongebob: This doesn’t look too good, Patrick.
Patrick: You mean we’re not gonna [weakly goes into song] get the crown, save the town and Mr. Krabs?
Spongebob: I don’t even think we’re gonna be able to save ourselves, buddy. [his arm breaks off, and Pat reattaches it facing the wrong way] Thanks.

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